- also -
32 February 2017
This has been a monumental week. Sales of my books have now passed the 100 million mark, making me a millionaire many times over. I don't mean to be bragadocious, but Stephen King has been on the phone to me about giving him some private writing tuition, which I've graciously agreed to. The movie rights have been snapped up by film-makers like Tarantino, Spielberg and Scorsese. All reviews have been love letters. Any negative reviews you see are FAKE and were paid for by my competitors. My personal life has also never been better Ė everyone agrees Ė I lost all my bigly weight and now have six-pack abs that would make Ryan Gosling weep. But the real reason for this announcement is I wanted you all to be the first to know: Iím getting married. Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence have agreed to a polygamous marriage with me.
We have been dating for many months and are very happy with the arrangement Ė this news was out there, but the lying media just didnít report it because they're biased against me, just like they donít want you to know that Elvis assassinated JFK on the orders of the Loch Ness Monster. Disney/ Lucasfilm have also asked me to write and direct Star Wars Episode IX. I'm toying with the idea of making it about whether or not Darth Vader actually was Luke's father. We'll investigate birth records on Naboo, Tatooine and Coruscant and try to get to the bottom of it. Frankly, I think he may have been an illegitimate sith lord.
So whatís next for the guy who has everything? I donít know. Maybe Iíll go into politics.
[Just seeing if this works for everyone or only presidents.]